Friday April 28th, 2006 – I receive my Sympatico package, set up for Dry Loop (High Speed internet with a fake phone number for those that do not have a phone line with Bell). It is addressed to Mr. Parker, so I have to fight with the post office to convince them this is obviously a typo and is intended for me.
The entire package is in French. Not a big deal, but I had requested English.
The email address assigned to me is a.parker2@ sympatico.ca. Again with the Parker.
I am able to connect to the internet. This will not last.
The mail server information provided in incorrect, so I cannot send or receive email. In any case, email would be useless due to the ridiculous email address assigned to me.
Monday April 29th – Call #1. I get the correct server information, correct the account information, set English as my preference but am told that there is no way to change my email address. However, I can set up to 10 aliases of my choosing. Wheeee.
Tuesday May 2st – Call #2. To compensate for the absurd email address, I attempt to set up my aliases. I discover that I cannot set up the email alias that I had 3 years ago. I run my own tests and find that it is not currently in use. Support informs me that an email address can not be re-used, even though I was the original owner of it. I make a fuss. I am escalated to Level 2. I am informed that do allow email addresses to be reassigned, and it is not being used, but that I cannot have it. No explanation… just “dunno”.
I complain enough that they decide to cancel the account and start fresh so that the email address can be changed. I get a better email address. Not the one I want, but better. I am assured that I will not be charged the $100.00 Cancellation Fee. I do not actually believe this, but I give them the benefit of the doubt.
Tuesday May 2st – Call #3. I cannot set up my email, as all of the account setup information provided for my new account is incorrect. Support provides the correct information. Whew. All is well, or is it?
Wednesday May 3rd – I receive a letter stating that I must return my modem as the account has been cancelled. I ignore this.
Thursday May 4th – I receive a notice to pick up the new modem. I ignore this.
Friday May 5th – Call #4. I ask support if I really need to swap modems. They inform me that yes, I do. I inform them that this is somewhat inefficient and a waste of everybody’s time and money. They agree.
Saturday May 6th- Call #5. My internet is down. I pick up the new modem from the post office in case that is the issue. It is not. I call support so we can play the Phone Number Game:
“What is your phone number?”
“My cel phone, or my Dry Loop number? I don’t have a residential number.”
“Uh, I guess your cel number.”
“xxx-xxx-xxxx”
“No.”
“well, my dry loop number is yyy-yyy-yyyy”
“No”
“My old dry loop number was zzz-zzz-zzzz”
“No”
“Do I have to keep guessing what your file says?”
“We have a different number for your cel and dry loop.”
“Well here is my cel number, and please tell me the real dry loop number”
Note that they had the correct payment information on file. That they get right.
We graduate to the standard questions of what version of Windows? How many lights are on? I explain that I do not believe it is the modem, as neither the old modem nor the new modem work. I also explain that my account has been tinkered with so often, that I have a dry loop that is probably incorrectly set up and that I suspect something is wrong with my account at Sympatico. I am apparently speaking Greek to them.
Clowns would be more helpful. Retarded ducks would be more helpful. Routing support calls to random phone booths in downtown Beirut would be more helpful.
I am escalated to Level 2, who tells me that the issue may take 3 days to resolve, and that I will be contact by either support or a technician. I am also instructed to leave my modem on at all times, in case I actually believe that someone is trying to resolve the issue when I am not on the phone making them feel uncomfortable as they wonder if they can get out of work in time to make it to clown college for Pies and Squirting Flowers 101.
Tuesday May 9 – Call #6. Still no internet. No call from support, and no call from service. I ask about the status of my ticket. In confirming my identity, we once again go through the phone number game. She is unable to provide me any information, and cannot read the ticket because it is in French. She believes it says the modem is defective (see last Saturday’s episode). Once again I am escalated to the mighty Level 2.
I have come to believe that Level 2 is pretty much the same as Level 1, except they have had an extra year at clown college.
We set up an appointment for a visit from the technician. I can’t wait. I have only been able to imagine until now the big shoes, red nose and Bozo hair. Now I get to see one pop out of the Sympatico clown car in my very own driveway. Should I prepare a bottle of seltzer and a few pies? Surely hijinx will ensue. But that is a story for next Saturday.
I make an attempt at having my account information validated, for I suspect that something is amiss. He argues with me that I am not on a dry loop. I argue that I am. He puts me on hold for a while, and then confirms that indeed I am. I suggest that perhaps this could be the root of the problem, and that if my account is set up incorrectly, this could all be resolved remotely without the need for a technician. He assures me that the technician will assess that when he visits.
The call ends something like this:
“Would you like me to help you set up a Dial-Up connection?”
“I don’t have a PHONE LINE!!”
“Oh, right.”
Wednesday May 10 – I receive my first Sympatico bill… for $138.00 plus tax. It is not itemized and is in French. I have been a client for less than a month, so even rounding to 2 months should have been no more than $74.90 (2 months@19.95 + $35.00 Connection Fee). I suspect that I am being charged for a few days of service in April, the Connection Fee, and a $100.00 Cancellation Fee. The Sympatico Billing Department is already closed.
Thursday May 11 – Call #7. I ask for an explanation of my bill. I am told that it is indeed for the Connection Fee and the Cancellation Fee. I explain that I understand the Connection Fee, but that I should not have to pay the Cancellation Fee as the cancellation was to correct Sympatico’s errors. I am also told, and I had suspected that such would be the case, that my next bill will include ANOTHER Connection Fee. This issue is resolved by cancelling this entire bill so that I start fresh from the next bill.
“Are you able to view your bills on-line?”
“I… don’t… have… INTERNET!!!!!”
“Oh, right.”
Saturday, May 13 – Walking by the my office door, I notice the modem is blinking… Internet service is magically back up. No visit from Bozo, no phone call. A call to Bell results in the standard “dunno”. Sigh. You win, Bell. You win.
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